Viruses Will Kill You

Before I start this epic saga of computer safety, some background: my dad is a sys admin at MNDHR (Minnesota Department of Human Recourses) so all the computers at my house are mega protected and stuff, and I have never had a computer virus.  Also Sid, friend of the blogista, has a disclaimer: Warning. Scamp overreacts. The website is harmless. Also. Boobs.  -Sid Weik

What a poet. Now to the epic saga!

It all started this morning when I was talking to Sid on facebook.  He’d found this site through tumblr.

DON’T GO THAT SITE. IT IS RIDDLED WITH HORRIBLE COMPUTER BREAKING THINGS.

So I click the link, and it’s about this guy who a ton of people have seen in dreams, but no one knows who he is.  Sid had one of those dreams.  But that shit’s not important.  What’s important is that that site is the devil.

Shortly after clicking on it, my computer starts acting like a meth head on her period.  Anytime I click a link, it opens in a new window.  If I click the chrome icon on my taskbar, it opens google instead of my pages.  When I click anywhere, it highlights everything and it can’t be undone unless you click in just the right spot.  Like six times.  My shift key is always functioning for numbers and symbols, I cannot type a period.  You don’t know how often you use periods until you CAN’T.  As of this sentence, I’ve used 17 in this blog post alone.  And there’s another.  It also disables my enter key so I can’t send Sid a message calling him a stupid dick munching big headed chode for giving me a virus.

I had to post everything on his wall because my enter key was fucking broken. 
Also remember that you have to read it bottom to top, it’s a facebook wall.

So since I cant post on his wall fast enough to satiate my fear, I text him:

Me: Holy fuck what is happening your stupid creepy guy site gave us a virus!

Sid: Calm the fuck down

Me: I HAVE NEVER HAD A VIRUS BEFORE THIS IS SCARY SHIT IT WANTS MY INFORMATION

Sid: LOOOOOOOL

While Sid was laughing at my misfortune like an asshole, I tried to open avira to see what’s going on.  Because of the stupid lag and opening in new windows, I accidentally opened a shit ton of virus scans.  I don’t know how many, because at four even the computer was telling me to calm the fuck down.  It starts scanning things, but it’s taking FOREVER, and being all slow and saying weird words.

Also it’s titled “Luke Filewalker”

After this, I call Goose, because I’m seriously freaking out and Sid just keeps laughing at me.  But Sean (Goose’s mom’s boyfriend) picks up the phone.

            Me: Firstly, Happy Thanksgiving.

            Sean (confused): Happy Thanksgiving?

            Me: I hate to do this on a holiday but my computer is acting weird and scary and I

dunno how to fix it.

Sean: Scamp?

Me: Yes

Sean: I’ll wake up Goose. (yelling) GOOSE WAKE UP

 (90% asleep): whaaa

Me: HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER

HAPPENED

Goose: You have more first world problems don’t you.

Me: …no

So then I explained everything to Goose so he would know it was vitally important AND something someone in the third world would care about.  He sighed and told me to restart the machine.  I tell him he’s not allowed to hang up until everything is fixed.  Then this conversation happens (note that I’m on my home phone):

Me: Goose… WHY DID MY PHONE JUST GOOGLE RANDOM WORDS.
Goose: I dunno, can I go back to sleep now?
Me: OHMYGODTHEVIRUSSPREADTOMYPHONE (translation: Oh my god the virus spread to my phone)
Goose: That’s impossible
Me: IT IS TAKING EVERYTHING I LOVE
Goose: no its not, because that’s impossible
Me: I gotta go check my mp3 player
Goose: what the fuck

Then Goose suggests that maybe I accidentally turned on voice recognition and those were words I said. In fact, he remembers me saying them.

Me: Oh. So my mp3 player is safe?
Goose: Oh my fucking god

Apparently impervious to air bourn computer viruses

After the scan is over, it tells me I have no viruses, but that I have 27 hidden objects.  From what I knew, this was a hidden object:

                                                         bigfishgames.com

And I would know, because I play hidden object

 games 8 hours a day  in the summer.

That led to this conversation:

Me: Goose it says its found 27 hidden objects, what’s a hidden object?
Goose: IdontknowIwanttosleep
Me: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME
Goose: Can I go back to sleep?

Me: when it’s over.
Goose: I’m leaving
Me: *cries dramatically* NOOOOO YOU CANT LEAVE ME IN MY TIME OF NEED! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Goose: *hangs up*

So I decided fuck Goose, I was gonna ask Sid.

Me: SID GOOSE LEFT ME IN MY TIME OF NEED
Sid: Calm the fuck down
Me: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. Oh and btw what’s a hidden object?
Sid: LEAVE THEM
Me: Why?
Sid: LEAVE THEM. They’re the things that start it up and shit. They’re hidden so you don’t delete them
Me: So I shouldn’t delete them
Sid: *I imagine he sighs deeply and pinches his brow here* Yes.
Me: Got it

Then everyone leaves to go to Thanksgiving, and my virus check FINALLY completes.  There was a virus.  Or a “suspicious file” and I moved that shit to quarantine.  The point is, I was right.  Even when I lose (by having a virus), I win (by being right). 

And that my friends, is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Also I did this:

Because my friend hates her birthday being during the holidays