The Big Purple Bitch

Before I start this, I want to make something clear.  Most people don't like to hear about other people's dreams.  However, I have super interesting and most of the time hilarious dreams, but only when I'm sick, or sleeping later than I should be.  This time was one of those times.

In the dream, Raya and I were wizards.  Just so you understand how awesome that is, here's a picture of me and Raya being wizards.

LIKE BAUSES

Now as wizards, we had to fight this evil purple jabba the hut thing.  She looked like this:

She has the tu tu and the make up because being an amorphous blob takes away her feeling of femininity.

We were bounding around on those bouncy balls with handles, and shooting magic spells at her.

At one point, Raya asked me if we could shoot it with chili cheese fries, to which I responded, "No Raya, chili cheese fries aren't Kosher."

But they are delicious

However, this bitchy jabba the hut thing doesn't CARE that Raya's one weakness is non-Kosher food, and throws chili cheese fries at us anyway!  This causes Raya to fall over, and me to get distracted with eating.  Then the big purple bitch (TBPB) blasts us with evil magic and somehow wins.

Worth it.

After this, she disappears, and a bunch of shiny things, books, and bugs appear from nowhere.  Raya's Chinese grandma picks up a praying mantis and eats it, she then smiles like a moron.  This is also weird because I was certain Raya was Jewish.

It's about then that Raya and I decide to get the fuck out of there.  We start walking to my house, carrying the shiny things in baskets like Little Red Riding Hood the pirate.

Winning Halloween costume? Yes. Yes it is.

This is when I realize, that no matter how awesome the treasure, it has evil origins TBPB would use it to try to control us.  So I tell Raya we need to dump it down the sewer drain.  I dump my basket, but Raya was being greedy, (possibly for the same reason that non-Kosher food drains her powers) and refuses.

The drain containing my treasures

I tell her that if she doesn't dump it, TBPB will use it as mind control.  To which Raya responds, "Bitch I'm Raya, no body controls me!"  I then steal her basket and dump that shit.

Once we get to my house, there's drunks pounding on my door and yelling about the One True Messiah, Tom Selleck.

They mainly worship his mustache.

My mom yells at them to go home, and I wake up with a big feeling of WTF.  I then eat waffles and all is well.

Is there a problem they cant solve?

ARIES FOREVER

When I was five, I liked to be amazing.  I didn't think I needed to learn to read, because I didn't care.  Then a friend came over, and she bragged about being able to read.  I had to prove that I was better than her.

I got too lazy to give her hair.

Once she'd left, I told my dad I needed to learn how to read.  He brought out these things called "Bob Books" and read them to me.

Doesn't this look like an intriguing story?

Not surprisingly, I got bored of these rather quickly.  I told dad those were stupid and that I wanted something that didn't suck.  

At first he wasn't really on board with it, since he didn't want me to "rush things."  But after a little persuasion, I was able to bump myself up to Junie B. Jones.

The next day I went over to her house, and read her a Junie B. Jones book, while she was still in picture books.  This way, I won.  

And as an Aries, I always win.