Scamp and Stripe Go To Hell

The very first time we went to Hell was an accident.  You see, our powers as inter-dimensional time travelers were limited.  We could only go places that people told us to go.  We obviously got around this by telling people to tell us to go certain places, but sometimes we ended up in pretty shitty hang outs.  And that’s how we got to Hell.

One day, we were bored at school.  Well, it’s more like “everyday, we were bored at school.”  We decided we wanted to go on an adventure, and who better to ask than our good friend Sid.  We asked him where we should go, but he kept telling us to go away!  So we decided not to listen to that, and instead to continue asking.  After about 10 minutes of this, he got fed up with us (I don’t know how) and yelled “WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO TO HELL!?”  Because of how our powers worked, we did.

With the blink of an eye (we both always blink at the same time) we were there.  This was surprising considering neither of us believed in Hell.  So when we saw the Devil for the first time, we decided to tell him.

“This is total bullshit.” Raya said.

“Did we get transported to some fucking tourist trap town called Hell or something?” I said. 

“Probab-”

“WELCOME TO HELL!” the Devil roared.

“SHUT UP I WAS TALKING!” shouts Raya.

“HAVE SOME FUCKING MANNERS YOU DICK!” I yelled.

The Devil glared at us and snapped his fingers.  This caused his demons to pop up out of the ground and grab Raya and I.  The Devil declared “Bring them to the mines!” and the demons started to drag us away.

When we got to the mines, we decided that this was stupid.  We escaped the mines, and decided to enact our revenge.  “LETS BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE!” Raya shouted.  I agreed and we went to find the Devil’s house.  However, when we got there, there was a problem.

“Uhh Raya?”
“I see it.”

His house was already on fire.  Considering this was Hell, we really should have thought of that. 

“Let’s put out the fire!” Raya screamed.

We found the water hose they use to drown Nazis and dragged it over to his house.  We turned it on full blast and watched the flames die out like so many acting careers.  The Devil storms up and starts screaming things about how we need to respect other people’s property, but instead of listening, we steal two of his death ponies and fly around graffiting “S&S” on all of his stuff. 

He tried to hit us with fire blasts, but we dodged them.  Well, the ponies dodged them, we were busy.  Then I see a girl in the window of his house.  She’s screaming for help!  As Raya continues to chant “na na na boo boo” at the devil, I swoop down to save the fair maiden!

Then I find out she’s less “fair maiden” and more “holy shit I found the Devil’s girlfriend.” 

The Devil's girlfriend is such a slut I had to Paint those clothes on her.

“I only dated him because there are NO good guys in Hell!  I just wanna move out.  Can I come live with you?”
“Depends.  Are you good at laundry?  Cause you can clean my room and then I’ll let you live there.”
“The Devil doesn’t do his own laundry and I have to wash his boxers.”
“Then welcome aboard!”

We fly out the window and bump into Raya.  She’s noticed a gap in the ceiling of Hell.  “Fly for it!” she yells.  We do, and come out as the Devil screams curse words at us. 

We come out into a big open field, and see a sign “Welcome to Mississippi!”

“Makes sense.” Raya says.
“Let’s get the fuck out of Mississippi before someone sees us.” I say.

We fly back to school and park our ponies outside.  We walk up to Sage and Alex, who are talking about some movie or something.  A movie we’ve never seen.

“Well fuck you guys then.  Go to Hell.” Alex says.

And that’s when we realized we’d be making regular trips to Hell.

Viruses Will Kill You

Before I start this epic saga of computer safety, some background: my dad is a sys admin at MNDHR (Minnesota Department of Human Recourses) so all the computers at my house are mega protected and stuff, and I have never had a computer virus.  Also Sid, friend of the blogista, has a disclaimer: Warning. Scamp overreacts. The website is harmless. Also. Boobs.  -Sid Weik

What a poet. Now to the epic saga!

It all started this morning when I was talking to Sid on facebook.  He’d found this site through tumblr.

DON’T GO THAT SITE. IT IS RIDDLED WITH HORRIBLE COMPUTER BREAKING THINGS.

So I click the link, and it’s about this guy who a ton of people have seen in dreams, but no one knows who he is.  Sid had one of those dreams.  But that shit’s not important.  What’s important is that that site is the devil.

Shortly after clicking on it, my computer starts acting like a meth head on her period.  Anytime I click a link, it opens in a new window.  If I click the chrome icon on my taskbar, it opens google instead of my pages.  When I click anywhere, it highlights everything and it can’t be undone unless you click in just the right spot.  Like six times.  My shift key is always functioning for numbers and symbols, I cannot type a period.  You don’t know how often you use periods until you CAN’T.  As of this sentence, I’ve used 17 in this blog post alone.  And there’s another.  It also disables my enter key so I can’t send Sid a message calling him a stupid dick munching big headed chode for giving me a virus.

I had to post everything on his wall because my enter key was fucking broken. 
Also remember that you have to read it bottom to top, it’s a facebook wall.

So since I cant post on his wall fast enough to satiate my fear, I text him:

Me: Holy fuck what is happening your stupid creepy guy site gave us a virus!

Sid: Calm the fuck down

Me: I HAVE NEVER HAD A VIRUS BEFORE THIS IS SCARY SHIT IT WANTS MY INFORMATION

Sid: LOOOOOOOL

While Sid was laughing at my misfortune like an asshole, I tried to open avira to see what’s going on.  Because of the stupid lag and opening in new windows, I accidentally opened a shit ton of virus scans.  I don’t know how many, because at four even the computer was telling me to calm the fuck down.  It starts scanning things, but it’s taking FOREVER, and being all slow and saying weird words.

Also it’s titled “Luke Filewalker”

After this, I call Goose, because I’m seriously freaking out and Sid just keeps laughing at me.  But Sean (Goose’s mom’s boyfriend) picks up the phone.

            Me: Firstly, Happy Thanksgiving.

            Sean (confused): Happy Thanksgiving?

            Me: I hate to do this on a holiday but my computer is acting weird and scary and I

dunno how to fix it.

Sean: Scamp?

Me: Yes

Sean: I’ll wake up Goose. (yelling) GOOSE WAKE UP

 (90% asleep): whaaa

Me: HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER

HAPPENED

Goose: You have more first world problems don’t you.

Me: …no

So then I explained everything to Goose so he would know it was vitally important AND something someone in the third world would care about.  He sighed and told me to restart the machine.  I tell him he’s not allowed to hang up until everything is fixed.  Then this conversation happens (note that I’m on my home phone):

Me: Goose… WHY DID MY PHONE JUST GOOGLE RANDOM WORDS.
Goose: I dunno, can I go back to sleep now?
Me: OHMYGODTHEVIRUSSPREADTOMYPHONE (translation: Oh my god the virus spread to my phone)
Goose: That’s impossible
Me: IT IS TAKING EVERYTHING I LOVE
Goose: no its not, because that’s impossible
Me: I gotta go check my mp3 player
Goose: what the fuck

Then Goose suggests that maybe I accidentally turned on voice recognition and those were words I said. In fact, he remembers me saying them.

Me: Oh. So my mp3 player is safe?
Goose: Oh my fucking god

Apparently impervious to air bourn computer viruses

After the scan is over, it tells me I have no viruses, but that I have 27 hidden objects.  From what I knew, this was a hidden object:

                                                         bigfishgames.com

And I would know, because I play hidden object

 games 8 hours a day  in the summer.

That led to this conversation:

Me: Goose it says its found 27 hidden objects, what’s a hidden object?
Goose: IdontknowIwanttosleep
Me: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME
Goose: Can I go back to sleep?

Me: when it’s over.
Goose: I’m leaving
Me: *cries dramatically* NOOOOO YOU CANT LEAVE ME IN MY TIME OF NEED! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Goose: *hangs up*

So I decided fuck Goose, I was gonna ask Sid.

Me: SID GOOSE LEFT ME IN MY TIME OF NEED
Sid: Calm the fuck down
Me: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. Oh and btw what’s a hidden object?
Sid: LEAVE THEM
Me: Why?
Sid: LEAVE THEM. They’re the things that start it up and shit. They’re hidden so you don’t delete them
Me: So I shouldn’t delete them
Sid: *I imagine he sighs deeply and pinches his brow here* Yes.
Me: Got it

Then everyone leaves to go to Thanksgiving, and my virus check FINALLY completes.  There was a virus.  Or a “suspicious file” and I moved that shit to quarantine.  The point is, I was right.  Even when I lose (by having a virus), I win (by being right). 

And that my friends, is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Also I did this:

Because my friend hates her birthday being during the holidays

I Was Wrong For Over A Year

The other day I was talking to my mom as we drove to school.  I was worried because I didn’t know what to get Goose for our one year anniversary.  This is basically how the conversation went:

Me: Mom, I have no idea what to get Goose for our anniversary.  And on top of that I’m kinda confused as to if we’re even celebrating it on the right day.

Mom: How in the hell are you confused about that?

Me: Well… on the 21^st of November, some whore was making winky faces on his status and I was not okay with that. So I was all like “Goose, no girls shall flirt with you ANYMORE!” and so he put his status as “in a relationship.”  Then on the 23^rd I actually said I would date him (for reasons I cant say in case a certain someone ever finds this little corner of the internet), but I don’t want it to be then because that’s Nadia’s birthday.

Mom: When was your first date?

Me: The 11^th.

Mom: Then it was then.

Me: Wait… I FUCKING MISSED IT?!

I was so mad I made everything turn red.

It turns out that my one year anniversary (1 year) was on 11/11/11. In that day, there were two 11:11:11’s.  During one of those times, I could have had a 1.11/11/11.11:11:11 wish. TWICE. AND I FUCKING MISSED IT.

MAGIC IS DEAD.

After raging for a while, I decided to tell Goose.  I sent him this lovely e-mail:

I was square angry, two varieties of circle angry, surprised, and mustache about this.

Then I realized that I didn’t have to get him a gift at all! I was free! Until he said that we should still celebrate it on the 21^st.  Faaaantastic.

Flipping the Bird

My first ever comic.  While it could obviously be way better, it's okayish.

The Big Purple Bitch

Before I start this, I want to make something clear.  Most people don't like to hear about other people's dreams.  However, I have super interesting and most of the time hilarious dreams, but only when I'm sick, or sleeping later than I should be.  This time was one of those times.

In the dream, Raya and I were wizards.  Just so you understand how awesome that is, here's a picture of me and Raya being wizards.

LIKE BAUSES

Now as wizards, we had to fight this evil purple jabba the hut thing.  She looked like this:

She has the tu tu and the make up because being an amorphous blob takes away her feeling of femininity.

We were bounding around on those bouncy balls with handles, and shooting magic spells at her.

At one point, Raya asked me if we could shoot it with chili cheese fries, to which I responded, "No Raya, chili cheese fries aren't Kosher."

But they are delicious

However, this bitchy jabba the hut thing doesn't CARE that Raya's one weakness is non-Kosher food, and throws chili cheese fries at us anyway!  This causes Raya to fall over, and me to get distracted with eating.  Then the big purple bitch (TBPB) blasts us with evil magic and somehow wins.

Worth it.

After this, she disappears, and a bunch of shiny things, books, and bugs appear from nowhere.  Raya's Chinese grandma picks up a praying mantis and eats it, she then smiles like a moron.  This is also weird because I was certain Raya was Jewish.

It's about then that Raya and I decide to get the fuck out of there.  We start walking to my house, carrying the shiny things in baskets like Little Red Riding Hood the pirate.

Winning Halloween costume? Yes. Yes it is.

This is when I realize, that no matter how awesome the treasure, it has evil origins TBPB would use it to try to control us.  So I tell Raya we need to dump it down the sewer drain.  I dump my basket, but Raya was being greedy, (possibly for the same reason that non-Kosher food drains her powers) and refuses.

The drain containing my treasures

I tell her that if she doesn't dump it, TBPB will use it as mind control.  To which Raya responds, "Bitch I'm Raya, no body controls me!"  I then steal her basket and dump that shit.

Once we get to my house, there's drunks pounding on my door and yelling about the One True Messiah, Tom Selleck.

They mainly worship his mustache.

My mom yells at them to go home, and I wake up with a big feeling of WTF.  I then eat waffles and all is well.

Is there a problem they cant solve?

ARIES FOREVER

When I was five, I liked to be amazing.  I didn't think I needed to learn to read, because I didn't care.  Then a friend came over, and she bragged about being able to read.  I had to prove that I was better than her.

I got too lazy to give her hair.

Once she'd left, I told my dad I needed to learn how to read.  He brought out these things called "Bob Books" and read them to me.

Doesn't this look like an intriguing story?

Not surprisingly, I got bored of these rather quickly.  I told dad those were stupid and that I wanted something that didn't suck.  

At first he wasn't really on board with it, since he didn't want me to "rush things."  But after a little persuasion, I was able to bump myself up to Junie B. Jones.

The next day I went over to her house, and read her a Junie B. Jones book, while she was still in picture books.  This way, I won.  

And as an Aries, I always win.

The Packing Industry Can Go To Hell

Do you guys remember being a kid? Remember how any time your parents got a package, it came with bubble wrap? DO YOU REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN IT WAS TO POP THAT BUBBLE WRAP?? You could have hours of fun making sure that every single bubble was DEAD. Then you could look at the catalog they mailed with the package and pull off the cards and play with the sticky glue stuff that held them on. Remember that? The stuff that looked so much like boogers that it’s called “Snot glue” in the industry. Then your (maybe just my) dad would pretend to sneeze and have a handful of the glue. THAT WAS FUN. And then you would play in the box because you are part cat.

They ruined all of that.

My mom got a package in the mail the other day. Once she had what she needed out of it, I stole the bubble wrap, surprised she hadn’t popped it already. You know what I found? Bubble wrap that doesn’t pop.

                                            http://imgur.com/gallery/nklec

See how each bubble is connected to the next one? That makes it impossible to pop. That makes it the devil.  (I used to have my own picture, but the great picture fuck up ruined that)

I was not okay with this. I grabbed a scissor, and as tears streamed down my face, I mutilated this abomination beyond recognition as a packing product.

A dramatic representation

Then later I found some bubble wrap that will fucking pop. I was happy, thinking this would be a happy time for all in which I would pop bubbles instead of being mad that I cant pop bubbles.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1rMLK5Aov4&feature=player_detailpage#t=600s (That's a link to a video because blogger is a douche nugget and wont let me embed youtube videos. Still, worth a click. It adds to the story.)

So I grabbed it and started popping. Then I realized that these bubbles made NO NOISE. They were too tiny. The packing industry was taunting me. It gave me good old bubble wrap, but without the pop. I was furious.

“Well” I thought “If I don’t have bubble wrap, at least I have the snot glue, right?” I went to get the Target catalog I saw on the table. I peeled off the gift card, and do you know what I found?  They'd replaced snot glue with some shiny shit that was all flat and not even sticky. And you couldn't even peel it off.

At this point I was pissed. “At least the children of tomorrow have boxes to play in.” Then I realized that they have “boxes of every size” at the post office and unless your parents buy a microwave, you’re stuck with a tiny box.

Yet we still have packing peanuts, which kids choke on…

So I ask you this: Why does the packing industry hate children?

Modern Medicine Saved Me To Eat Bacon And Will Save Me From The Inevitable Bacon-Induced Heart Attack

When I was little, getting vaccinated was the worst thing ever and I hated all who wanted to give me shots. Even though it was explained to me that they would keep me from dying many horrible deaths/getting the chicken pox, I was not for it. They once told me to stop screaming profanities because there were small children in the waiting room. They said I was disturbing them.

And nurses totally dress like that. Don’t ruin my dreams.

But a long long time ago (not longer than seven years however) I got a Tetanus shot and probably cried about it and that might have been the time they told me not to swear and bribed me with icecream. And I am super thankful for that, because what follows is a list of ways I would have gotten Tetanus and died without it, and this is just from this summer.

1. I scraped my leg on Goose’s rusty car. It was the first time I had ever gone to his house, so awesome way to make a first impression GOOSE. I was super worried I was gonna die, so I wiped it with alcohol wipes which hurt SUPER bad and called my mom to ask if I was going to get Tetanus and die. She called the doctor and then me and said I was good for like three or four years. To which I responded

2. I stepped on a sewing pin. Which I actually do a lot…

3. I stepped on a million staples while picking up staples I spilled.

Hitler staples.

4. I recently (as in tonight) cut my pinky open on a nail. I was trying to move a piece of old toy box and it had exposed nails I didn’t know about. And OWWW. But that was when I realized “Holy shit I am super fucking glad I got that shot like three years ago. Thanks for being a trooper little me!” Anyway here’s my sad band-aid pinky:

The last thing could mean I never need a Tetanus shot again as I have my own, or I always need one or I’ll die. I have rust in my toe. My dad used to have a really junky truck that he loved but no one else did. It was ugly and had a hole in the floor that made it pants-shittingly-scary to ride it on the freeway. Also I dropped things out of the hole when no one was looking. But one day as I got in the death mobile, I stubbed my pinky toe on the rusty rust thing. It just hurt at first and bled a little and I was okay and mom called again to make sure I had a Tetanus shot since this was a while ago. Anyway, after the fact, I’ve noticed that I have a piece of rust embedded in my toe. FUN FACT RIGHT THERE. I was gonna put in a picture of it but my webcam sucks and you cant see anything clearly enough. Also it's really hard to take a picture of your toe with a built in webcam.

This is why I love modern medicine since it’s probably kept me from dying a million and one times. AND IF I WAS DEAD HOW WOULD I EAT BACON?!

My Boobs Must Be Amazing Since You Keep Yelling About Them

I've never liked bras. If you go to Avalon, you probably know that. You may have said "HEY SCAMP PUT ON A BRA" to which I responded "Find one that fits, asshole." Because none fucking fit. So I decided to get fitted.

I have no idea where to do that. So I look it up, and it turns out the only place by me is fucking Victoria's Secret. My thoughts on this? Ewww. But I sucked it up and made Goose come with me.

Everything there is fucking pink.

Before this, I was wearing 38Cs. Because they are the closest thing to comfy. Not too tight, not too lose... I thought I was right. Then I get fitted in the middle of the fucking store and the lady says, rather loudly, "Alright you're a 34B!" Just like that. I swear. So while I'm thinking WTF, she drags me to changing rooms with an armload of black lacy bras she grabbed and shuts me in a room.

I hesitantly try on the bra and look in the mirror with "Hey Sexy!" written on it. And holy shit I have cleavage. So I think? it fits, but hey, I was off by two numbers and a cupsize before, I obviously know jack shit. I try to call for the lady.

Nothing. Then I see a little button labeled "Service" by the door. But there is no way in hell I'm pushing that. Or walking into a store in a black lacy bra and mongo giganto boobs. (not really, but holy shit I'd never had clevage that big. In retrospect, I think that one was a push-up and I didn't notice in my embarrassed state.) So I wait.

When I hear a different lady walk by with another customer, I peek out and squeek "Does this fit?" and then turn eight shades of red. She walks in, pokes my boobs all over and says "Yep! What size are you?"

"Uhh apparently 34B." Then I get another woman who has never been happier about a number ever.
"34B! Got it, so do you want the push up, the demi, or body by Victoria?"

"...Regular?"

I get a blank stare equating to "Okaaaay weirdo." and get led to the "normal" bras. I grab the first one I touch and run.

This guy but a girl and way too smilely.

IT WAS FUCKING $45 BTW. Only bought it since they fitted me.

I get home and mom tells me to try it on before I cut off the stupid bow. I do. It's fucked. Too tight and too big at the same time. So I go to return it a little later.

It was a fucking 32D. Two cup sizes too big, one number too small. NO FUCKING WONDER. Who has those boobs? And why was it a push up? I asked for regular. And why does a D need a push up?! And did that sales lady think I needed the help?

Fuck you Victoria's Secret! You smell weird, are expensive, and make my boobs feel oddly small and irregular. Also everyone else in there was either my age and preppy, or my grandma's age and in the thong section.

Yes, there is a thong section.

Butt floss at it’s finest.

PS: Blogger was being a huge buttmunch so if the formatting is fucked, that's why. Hope it fixes itself, or I'll cry.

Who Needs Bush? Me, Just So I Can Call It This.

So today I've decided to blog about the different names for women's pubic hair.  It correlates to the last post about women shaving their legs and me wondering how they shave their downstairs.  Or lady parts.  Or pubes, the only things I had ever called it.  Until I saw a different blog post about the "30 Unapproved Names For A Woman's Bush."  I decided that I liked a few of these, and I'm gonna take those and say why here.


Fur Pie:  First off, who doesn't like pie?  Idiots.  Idiots hate pie. Because they're stupid.  So why not name your crotch jungle after a pie? Plus it would make people want to eat it more, and isn't that the goal?  And if a kid hears you say it in conversation, they just think this:

Vagina Sweater:  A sweater is something that, when washed the wrong way, is an itchy thing.  And it keeps you warm.  Sound familiar ladies? It's perfect.  And if said kid from before doesn't know what a vagina is, all they think is:  

Magic Carpet:  People are NOT going to stop saying "Does the carpet match the drapes? LOOOL" so we might as well use carpet.  And frankly, I'd rather mine be magic than stained with koolaid, paint, glitter glue, and other mysterious substances like the one I own.  What little kids will think:

Stripper Stripe:  Lets be honest, if you have a landing strip, you look a little too concerned about your "hair down there" as a kids book on puberty once called it.  Who's going to see it?  Oh right, everyone.  STRIPPER.  Now depending on how fucked up said kid is, he'll either get it, or think you said "striper."  Which I've decided is someone who paints stripes on jail uniforms in old timey cartoons.

I bet she has a stripper stripe.

Trouble Triangle:  That little triangle CAN get you into a LOT of trouble, such as an unplanned pregnancy that doesn't land you on MTV.  And all the kid will think is a triangle robbed a bank.

Potty Otter:  It's ADORABLE and it's IS where you pee from....kindaishwhatever.  Either way, imagine an otter sitting on a toilet.  Its squeetastic.  Here's my best attempt:

Vagitation:  This is just pure win.  It's a pun, it's about how they "let it grow wild" down there, there is no way it doesn't win.  AND it sounds too complex for that kid to understand.

Yes, I Googled that shit.  I'm just that hardcore.

Nose Cozy: That is EXACTLY what a good bush should be.  A place he keeps his nose warm.  LOL 69.  (Mom, if you're reading this, sorry for all the oral sex jokes, I cant help it, you know how I love to LOL at 69)  Also, it just sounds like something your grandma would knit.

Hairkini:  This is just calling it like it is.  Pubes are a bikini of hair.  And again, kids get to be innocent:

And finally, the best of them all, the best for last.  I give you, PUSSTACHE!!!

Pusstache:  This is by far the best thing ever.  Or at least one of them.  Who doesn't love a big handlebar?  And pussy is only a cat as far as small child is concerned.  So they just get an amazingly shit-your-pants-awesome vision of this: