Battle of the Beds

A while ago, I had a sleep over.  I had friends over and it was great fun.  However, it turns out that four teenagers plopping down onto a ten year old bed isn’t good for it.  One of the support beams bent, and after that, the bed was toast.  It perpetually leaned to one side, so that my mattress was at such an angle that I constantly felt like I was almost going to fall off the bed. 

Me, always

I didn’t exactly have an alternative for what to sleep in, so at first I just put up with it.

However, spending every night doing my best not to fall out of bed wreaked havoc on my back.  After a while I was ridiculously tired, and I could barely make myself get out of that asshole bed every morning.  Which when you think about it, doesn’t make any sense.

I was still stuck with the bed though, so I grabbed some bins that used to be in my brother’s room when he was little and shoved them under there.  They were about the right size, and were able to keep my mattress horizontal.  But after a few weeks they got bent from the weight of a mattress, a box spring, and a Scamp laying on top of them every night. They weren’t the best quality bins. 

Okay bin, sorry I hurt your feelings.

So now I had a broken bed again, and no way to fix it.  I decided that the only way to get a good night’s sleep was to destroy the bed and sleep with my mattress on the floor.  I asked dad if he would destroy it for me, but he said something about needing to do something for work so he could “pay our bills” and “keep the lights on.”

It was bullshit.

So I decided that if I wanted this done, I was gonna have to do it myself. I asked dad what I would need to take it apart, and he gave me a screwdriver and a wrench.  I grasped my tools of destruction, and played some motivational music (the Eye of the Tiger to be exact.)  Then I screamed my war cry and attacked one of the screws.

Look at how fucking determined I am.

I sized up my enemy.  It was metal and kinda big and had princess designs on it because I got it when I was five.

In the first picture you can see all the princessyness. In the second one you can see my cat and the piece of my wall they had to take out to avoid water damage when there was a storm once. They kinda just duct taped it to the rest of my wall instead of fixing it. Yay!

I remembered the last war with this enemy.  You see, the bed used to be a canopy bed, but one day I decided that it would be more fun as monkey bars and bent the shit out of it.  The canopy was bent to hell, so my parents took it off.  Come to think of it, that may be why the bed revolted in the first place…

The purple is my attempt at drawing a sheer canopy. Yay!

Anyway, it was time to fight.  I tried to unscrew one of the posts from the end of my bed.  However, after successfully taking off one post, I discovered that the screws on the other post were stripped.  The screwdriver wouldn’t grab them no matter what I did.  (It also probably didn’t help that I had no idea what size screwdriver to use and was totally guessing.) I tried to take the screws out with my wrench, but it was hard to grip them because they were in little indentations (because whoever made my bed hates me.)

Whatever, I thought, I can just bring down this part of the bed with the post attached.

I then started work on trying to take the end off of the big black support beams that held up my mattress. This involved use of the screwdriver and wrench since there was a boly holding it all together in the back. Since there was a lip over the bolt, I had to try to use the wrench at the most awkward angle ever, making me think that the makers of this bed made it upside down while on all kinds of weird drugs.

Knew it.

 My suspicions were later confirmed when I discovered that the screws sometimes decided “Fuck you!” and didn’t follow the righty tighty lefty loosey rule.

Because of this I accidentally tightened a bolt for ten minutes and almost gave myself an aneurism.

 

At this point I was desperate, and pissed off that I was being bested by a hunk of metal.  In frustration, I hit the bed with the wrench repeatedly, which just caused me to loose hold of the wrench and almost hit my cat with it.  Though really, I view that as my revenge for him being in the way the entire time.

Anyway, after about an hour of stripping screws further, tightening bolts, swearing, and throwing wrenches, I was able to prop all the pieces of the bed against one wall. But this left another problem… How the hell was I supposed to get that out to the garbage? 

The corpse of my enemy. Also my cat.

 The pieces were big, and some of them were rather heavy, especially the support beams. I asked Tim if he would help me, but he was busy with some stupid video game and said “Can’t you just wait like twenty minutes?”

UHM NO, NO I CAN’T. I JUST KILLED THIS FUCKER AND I JUST WANT TO CELEBRATE AND ALSO SIT DOWN.

I told him I’d just do it myself because it turns out everyone is an asshole and I have to do everything myself.  I grabbed the first piece of bed and started down the stairs.

What I didn’t realize was that I also had to open a door to get outside, I kinda forgot that part.  Since I was only carrying the end of the bed, it was relatively easy to set it down and open the door, but I couldn’t leave it open because of my stupid cats, and I had another end of bed and two support beams to carry out.

I decided to be innovative and find a place to put the cats that they couldn’t get out of, which excluded anywhere with a door.  Since my house is old and built on a wetland (developers in the 80s were brilliant) and therefore slowly sinking on one side, none of the doors close right and the cats can just budge them open.  I thought for a while and decided that the best place to put my kitties would be in the bunny cage.  

I hunted down and captured two cats and shoved them in the cage with the lagamorphs and locked them in.

The cats were not happy, and proceeded to glare at me and meow in a very pissed off tone. “Shove it cats” I said, they were gonna have to deal with it.

Even with the door propped open though, I still had a hard time getting the support beams down the stairs.  They’re huge, and heavy, and stair cases are narrow.  Also mine look like this:

Notice how I have to make a fucking 180 degree turn without hitting the airhockey table.

Yeah. And added to that, I had to get them past a glass door.  Needless to say, I almost broke the door.  Almost though, that part’s important.

After bring the corpse of my enemy out to the garbage where it belonged, I put my bedspring and mattress on the floor and claimed one of the bed’s posts as a scepter of victory.

Look at that victory scepter. Damn.
Also please enjoy my Frosty The Snowman pajama pants.

After that, I collapsed on my bed in exhaustion, enjoying my spoils of war, and my kitty joined in. 

Not only was I enjoying my victory, I was fucking exhausted.

It was hard work watching me do hard work, after all.

Jinx Is A Moron

This is Jinx:

Isn't he a cutie?

He's like a penguin in two ways.
1. He's always dressed for a ball as he's a Tuxedo Cat.
2. He waddles

However, unlike a penguin, Jinx is an idiot.  Here's the top 6 reasons why.

1. Jinx does not know how doors work.


The other day I let Jinx into my room while I was "doing my homework" (or for those of you who know me, playing flash games.)  Then it got cold, so I got up and shut my door.  However, my door is broken and doesn't close all the way too easily, so I left it about an inch open.  Later on in the night Jinx decided that he needed to go do one of the many important things that cats do such as eating, shitting, and sleeping somewhere else.

He jumped off my bed and walked over to the door, and then he was stumped.  You see, Jinx doesn't know how to work doors. Even when those doors are ajar by more than enough room for a kitty paw.  But he didn't think to use his paw, instead he headbutted the door, twice.  All this managed to do was close it more, so he decided the next best thing was to glare at the door for about five minutes.  After that was unsuccessful, he was out of ideas.  So he sat there next to my door that was still open enough to get out of, looking like the most pathetic little kitty ever.

Then he meowed.  This loud, pitiful, whiny meow until I got up and opened the door for him.  He did the same thing when he wanted to come back in.

2.  Jinx LICKS things for no apparent reason


About a week ago I was sitting in bed, talking to Goose on Skype and I hear this raspy noise next to me.  I look over and Jinx is cleaning himself.  I don't think anything of it since that cat is cleaning himself 24/7 and go back to my conversation.  However, about 10 minutes later I notice that there's a dark spot on my sheet. This is when I realize that the cat has actually been licking my sheets for the past 10 minutes and not himself.

It was one thing when he licked the bunnies, or us, but a sheet?  And for 10 minutes?

Oh, and while writing this, JUST while writing this, he's licked my laptop, my sweatshirt, Goose's glasses, my backpack and my wall.

3. Jinx attacks the stairs for no reason


Sometimes when I'm walking downstairs in the middle of the night I get the nice surprise of almost breaking my neck.  You see, one of Jinx's favorite activities is to start at the beginning of the stairs and flop over onto them.  Then when he starts to fall he hooks his claws into them and attacks the shit out of them.

He's actually a lot more aggressive about it than this cat

When he does this, his white belly is against the stair, and I cant see it.  The rest of him (except his paws) is black, so he's a fucking invisible ninja cat.  This means I accidentally step on him, he attacks my foot, and I fall down the stairs.

I dunno how to draw so here's an accidental crotch shot as I fall down the stairs

The only time the cat doesn't make me fall down the stairs with his antics is when he doesn't get a good grip with his claws and HE falls down the stairs.

4. Tries to eat things he cant

This one doesn't sound as bad until you realize that one of the things he tries to eat is the carpet.  We don't even have one of those carpets where the fibers come out, it's all little loops, and it's been around for since the late 80s, so it's pretty flat.  He has to rip it out of its packed form caused by 20 years of feet walking over it and then try to hook his teeth into it.  Once he does that, he rips at it until it tents up from whatever floor is underneath it.  Then he attacks it.

This is my future.

The other day I also saw him doing something he does pretty frequently.  He picks a random item, and bats it around on the floor because he gets bored, and I'm pretty sure he compensates by doing kitty crack and then thinks that fuzz balls on the floor are tiny monsters.  Anyway, he was batting around a piece of balled up notebook paper, and I didn't think much of it until he ripped off a piece with his teeth and tried to swallow it.  He then proceeded to choke because cats aren't supposed to eat paper.

"WHY CANT I EAT THIS?"

I had to take the paper away from him and give him his feathery cat toy.  Then he tried to eat, and choked on, that too.

5. Jinx thinks everyone is his best friend


I cant be upset about this one, I mean his judgment might be flawed in thinking that the bunnies and the dog love him as much as he thinks, but it keeps him happy.  So I let him live in his fantasy world and just mock him from afar.

Now the bunnies live in a converted dog kennel on a table in the sunroom, so their cage is more than big enough to house visitors, hell, I've even crawled in there once or twice when I got bored.  Because of this, other animals sometimes get put in there, like when we're bringing things inside and we need to lock the cats up so they don't run out into the street.

The other day we did just that.  We put Peanut and Jinx into the bunny cage and told them to play nice while we brought in the groceries.  Once we were done, we went to let them out.  Peanut had the response any cat would, he jumped out, glared at us, and walked away with his tail high in the air, offended.  Jinx, however, isn't a normal cat.  He looked at us questioning why we opened the door and continued to sit in there with the bunnies, happy as ever.  Then he tried to clean them, and they got pissed, and headbutted him, and we made him leave. Then he jumped up on the table next to the cage and just looked at them really sad.

BUT I LOVE THEM

After he got kicked out of the bunny cage, he decided to go hang out with his other best friend, the dog.

Which might not make sense, but it's adorable, so I don't care

6. Jinx meows LOUDLY when he's bored

When Jinx is bored of batting around and eating various objects, he sits in the middle of a room and yells until someone goes and entertains him.  If that doesn't work, he walks around the house yelling his head off.

Translation: PET ME I WANT HEAD SCRATCHES I'M BORED

Then you give him head scratches and pay attention to him and it's adorable.

But the second you stop he gets pissed and glares at you.  You can try to throw something at him to get him to leave you alone, but then he just ends up eating it and we all know what happens then...

This is why we cant have nice things.

Scamp and Stripe Go To Hell

The very first time we went to Hell was an accident.  You see, our powers as inter-dimensional time travelers were limited.  We could only go places that people told us to go.  We obviously got around this by telling people to tell us to go certain places, but sometimes we ended up in pretty shitty hang outs.  And that’s how we got to Hell.

One day, we were bored at school.  Well, it’s more like “everyday, we were bored at school.”  We decided we wanted to go on an adventure, and who better to ask than our good friend Sid.  We asked him where we should go, but he kept telling us to go away!  So we decided not to listen to that, and instead to continue asking.  After about 10 minutes of this, he got fed up with us (I don’t know how) and yelled “WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO TO HELL!?”  Because of how our powers worked, we did.

With the blink of an eye (we both always blink at the same time) we were there.  This was surprising considering neither of us believed in Hell.  So when we saw the Devil for the first time, we decided to tell him.

“This is total bullshit.” Raya said.

“Did we get transported to some fucking tourist trap town called Hell or something?” I said. 

“Probab-”

“WELCOME TO HELL!” the Devil roared.

“SHUT UP I WAS TALKING!” shouts Raya.

“HAVE SOME FUCKING MANNERS YOU DICK!” I yelled.

The Devil glared at us and snapped his fingers.  This caused his demons to pop up out of the ground and grab Raya and I.  The Devil declared “Bring them to the mines!” and the demons started to drag us away.

When we got to the mines, we decided that this was stupid.  We escaped the mines, and decided to enact our revenge.  “LETS BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE!” Raya shouted.  I agreed and we went to find the Devil’s house.  However, when we got there, there was a problem.

“Uhh Raya?”
“I see it.”

His house was already on fire.  Considering this was Hell, we really should have thought of that. 

“Let’s put out the fire!” Raya screamed.

We found the water hose they use to drown Nazis and dragged it over to his house.  We turned it on full blast and watched the flames die out like so many acting careers.  The Devil storms up and starts screaming things about how we need to respect other people’s property, but instead of listening, we steal two of his death ponies and fly around graffiting “S&S” on all of his stuff. 

He tried to hit us with fire blasts, but we dodged them.  Well, the ponies dodged them, we were busy.  Then I see a girl in the window of his house.  She’s screaming for help!  As Raya continues to chant “na na na boo boo” at the devil, I swoop down to save the fair maiden!

Then I find out she’s less “fair maiden” and more “holy shit I found the Devil’s girlfriend.” 

The Devil's girlfriend is such a slut I had to Paint those clothes on her.

“I only dated him because there are NO good guys in Hell!  I just wanna move out.  Can I come live with you?”
“Depends.  Are you good at laundry?  Cause you can clean my room and then I’ll let you live there.”
“The Devil doesn’t do his own laundry and I have to wash his boxers.”
“Then welcome aboard!”

We fly out the window and bump into Raya.  She’s noticed a gap in the ceiling of Hell.  “Fly for it!” she yells.  We do, and come out as the Devil screams curse words at us. 

We come out into a big open field, and see a sign “Welcome to Mississippi!”

“Makes sense.” Raya says.
“Let’s get the fuck out of Mississippi before someone sees us.” I say.

We fly back to school and park our ponies outside.  We walk up to Sage and Alex, who are talking about some movie or something.  A movie we’ve never seen.

“Well fuck you guys then.  Go to Hell.” Alex says.

And that’s when we realized we’d be making regular trips to Hell.

Viruses Will Kill You

Before I start this epic saga of computer safety, some background: my dad is a sys admin at MNDHR (Minnesota Department of Human Recourses) so all the computers at my house are mega protected and stuff, and I have never had a computer virus.  Also Sid, friend of the blogista, has a disclaimer: Warning. Scamp overreacts. The website is harmless. Also. Boobs.  -Sid Weik

What a poet. Now to the epic saga!

It all started this morning when I was talking to Sid on facebook.  He’d found this site through tumblr.

DON’T GO THAT SITE. IT IS RIDDLED WITH HORRIBLE COMPUTER BREAKING THINGS.

So I click the link, and it’s about this guy who a ton of people have seen in dreams, but no one knows who he is.  Sid had one of those dreams.  But that shit’s not important.  What’s important is that that site is the devil.

Shortly after clicking on it, my computer starts acting like a meth head on her period.  Anytime I click a link, it opens in a new window.  If I click the chrome icon on my taskbar, it opens google instead of my pages.  When I click anywhere, it highlights everything and it can’t be undone unless you click in just the right spot.  Like six times.  My shift key is always functioning for numbers and symbols, I cannot type a period.  You don’t know how often you use periods until you CAN’T.  As of this sentence, I’ve used 17 in this blog post alone.  And there’s another.  It also disables my enter key so I can’t send Sid a message calling him a stupid dick munching big headed chode for giving me a virus.

I had to post everything on his wall because my enter key was fucking broken. 
Also remember that you have to read it bottom to top, it’s a facebook wall.

So since I cant post on his wall fast enough to satiate my fear, I text him:

Me: Holy fuck what is happening your stupid creepy guy site gave us a virus!

Sid: Calm the fuck down

Me: I HAVE NEVER HAD A VIRUS BEFORE THIS IS SCARY SHIT IT WANTS MY INFORMATION

Sid: LOOOOOOOL

While Sid was laughing at my misfortune like an asshole, I tried to open avira to see what’s going on.  Because of the stupid lag and opening in new windows, I accidentally opened a shit ton of virus scans.  I don’t know how many, because at four even the computer was telling me to calm the fuck down.  It starts scanning things, but it’s taking FOREVER, and being all slow and saying weird words.

Also it’s titled “Luke Filewalker”

After this, I call Goose, because I’m seriously freaking out and Sid just keeps laughing at me.  But Sean (Goose’s mom’s boyfriend) picks up the phone.

            Me: Firstly, Happy Thanksgiving.

            Sean (confused): Happy Thanksgiving?

            Me: I hate to do this on a holiday but my computer is acting weird and scary and I

dunno how to fix it.

Sean: Scamp?

Me: Yes

Sean: I’ll wake up Goose. (yelling) GOOSE WAKE UP

 (90% asleep): whaaa

Me: HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER

HAPPENED

Goose: You have more first world problems don’t you.

Me: …no

So then I explained everything to Goose so he would know it was vitally important AND something someone in the third world would care about.  He sighed and told me to restart the machine.  I tell him he’s not allowed to hang up until everything is fixed.  Then this conversation happens (note that I’m on my home phone):

Me: Goose… WHY DID MY PHONE JUST GOOGLE RANDOM WORDS.
Goose: I dunno, can I go back to sleep now?
Me: OHMYGODTHEVIRUSSPREADTOMYPHONE (translation: Oh my god the virus spread to my phone)
Goose: That’s impossible
Me: IT IS TAKING EVERYTHING I LOVE
Goose: no its not, because that’s impossible
Me: I gotta go check my mp3 player
Goose: what the fuck

Then Goose suggests that maybe I accidentally turned on voice recognition and those were words I said. In fact, he remembers me saying them.

Me: Oh. So my mp3 player is safe?
Goose: Oh my fucking god

Apparently impervious to air bourn computer viruses

After the scan is over, it tells me I have no viruses, but that I have 27 hidden objects.  From what I knew, this was a hidden object:

                                                         bigfishgames.com

And I would know, because I play hidden object

 games 8 hours a day  in the summer.

That led to this conversation:

Me: Goose it says its found 27 hidden objects, what’s a hidden object?
Goose: IdontknowIwanttosleep
Me: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME
Goose: Can I go back to sleep?

Me: when it’s over.
Goose: I’m leaving
Me: *cries dramatically* NOOOOO YOU CANT LEAVE ME IN MY TIME OF NEED! NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Goose: *hangs up*

So I decided fuck Goose, I was gonna ask Sid.

Me: SID GOOSE LEFT ME IN MY TIME OF NEED
Sid: Calm the fuck down
Me: WHY IS THIS HAPPENING. Oh and btw what’s a hidden object?
Sid: LEAVE THEM
Me: Why?
Sid: LEAVE THEM. They’re the things that start it up and shit. They’re hidden so you don’t delete them
Me: So I shouldn’t delete them
Sid: *I imagine he sighs deeply and pinches his brow here* Yes.
Me: Got it

Then everyone leaves to go to Thanksgiving, and my virus check FINALLY completes.  There was a virus.  Or a “suspicious file” and I moved that shit to quarantine.  The point is, I was right.  Even when I lose (by having a virus), I win (by being right). 

And that my friends, is the true meaning of Thanksgiving.

Also I did this:

Because my friend hates her birthday being during the holidays

I Was Wrong For Over A Year

The other day I was talking to my mom as we drove to school.  I was worried because I didn’t know what to get Goose for our one year anniversary.  This is basically how the conversation went:

Me: Mom, I have no idea what to get Goose for our anniversary.  And on top of that I’m kinda confused as to if we’re even celebrating it on the right day.

Mom: How in the hell are you confused about that?

Me: Well… on the 21^st of November, some whore was making winky faces on his status and I was not okay with that. So I was all like “Goose, no girls shall flirt with you ANYMORE!” and so he put his status as “in a relationship.”  Then on the 23^rd I actually said I would date him (for reasons I cant say in case a certain someone ever finds this little corner of the internet), but I don’t want it to be then because that’s Nadia’s birthday.

Mom: When was your first date?

Me: The 11^th.

Mom: Then it was then.

Me: Wait… I FUCKING MISSED IT?!

I was so mad I made everything turn red.

It turns out that my one year anniversary (1 year) was on 11/11/11. In that day, there were two 11:11:11’s.  During one of those times, I could have had a 1.11/11/11.11:11:11 wish. TWICE. AND I FUCKING MISSED IT.

MAGIC IS DEAD.

After raging for a while, I decided to tell Goose.  I sent him this lovely e-mail:

I was square angry, two varieties of circle angry, surprised, and mustache about this.

Then I realized that I didn’t have to get him a gift at all! I was free! Until he said that we should still celebrate it on the 21^st.  Faaaantastic.

Flipping the Bird

My first ever comic.  While it could obviously be way better, it's okayish.

The Big Purple Bitch

Before I start this, I want to make something clear.  Most people don't like to hear about other people's dreams.  However, I have super interesting and most of the time hilarious dreams, but only when I'm sick, or sleeping later than I should be.  This time was one of those times.

In the dream, Raya and I were wizards.  Just so you understand how awesome that is, here's a picture of me and Raya being wizards.

LIKE BAUSES

Now as wizards, we had to fight this evil purple jabba the hut thing.  She looked like this:

She has the tu tu and the make up because being an amorphous blob takes away her feeling of femininity.

We were bounding around on those bouncy balls with handles, and shooting magic spells at her.

At one point, Raya asked me if we could shoot it with chili cheese fries, to which I responded, "No Raya, chili cheese fries aren't Kosher."

But they are delicious

However, this bitchy jabba the hut thing doesn't CARE that Raya's one weakness is non-Kosher food, and throws chili cheese fries at us anyway!  This causes Raya to fall over, and me to get distracted with eating.  Then the big purple bitch (TBPB) blasts us with evil magic and somehow wins.

Worth it.

After this, she disappears, and a bunch of shiny things, books, and bugs appear from nowhere.  Raya's Chinese grandma picks up a praying mantis and eats it, she then smiles like a moron.  This is also weird because I was certain Raya was Jewish.

It's about then that Raya and I decide to get the fuck out of there.  We start walking to my house, carrying the shiny things in baskets like Little Red Riding Hood the pirate.

Winning Halloween costume? Yes. Yes it is.

This is when I realize, that no matter how awesome the treasure, it has evil origins TBPB would use it to try to control us.  So I tell Raya we need to dump it down the sewer drain.  I dump my basket, but Raya was being greedy, (possibly for the same reason that non-Kosher food drains her powers) and refuses.

The drain containing my treasures

I tell her that if she doesn't dump it, TBPB will use it as mind control.  To which Raya responds, "Bitch I'm Raya, no body controls me!"  I then steal her basket and dump that shit.

Once we get to my house, there's drunks pounding on my door and yelling about the One True Messiah, Tom Selleck.

They mainly worship his mustache.

My mom yells at them to go home, and I wake up with a big feeling of WTF.  I then eat waffles and all is well.

Is there a problem they cant solve?